more like wah-lentine’s day, am I right?


Today is Valentine’s Day: insufferable couples posting their love for each other via Facebook, flowers being delivered to the office to the envy of the receptionist who didn’t get any (ME), and the final holiday to devour mass quantities of chocolate before beach season.

James and I have been together for almost 4 years and have only been married for about 3 months. Valentine’s Day was only a YUGE deal during our first year together. Now it has developed into a quiet night at home or going to get dollar tacos, candy or wine optional.

We have never really been a couple to gush over each other via The Social Network; the occasional tagging of memes or funny photos, sure, but we’ve never been THAT couple. Everyone knows THAT couple–maybe you’re guilty of that too–but it’s always the same two* types:

  • the freshly Facebook official couple: doomed to break up a few weeks or possibly a few months later. 1f66187a9e76461aae4977a0de29541a
    You can somewhat see the look of regret in his smile. Behind those eyes, this guy is already working out how to bail ASAP.
  • the our actual lives are terrible but our social media-selves are happy couple: I also refer to these couples as stock photo couples.happy-families_380565

Stock photo couples/families, to me, just look like they are hiding something. Maybe the mom is a closet fan of the rival team, maybe the dad uses Rogaine, maybe the kid is a racist? WHO KNOWS?!

*Note: the optional third could still fall under couple#2, this couple’s life is not only a sham, but they also post WAY too many photos of their child(ren). Ok, Ashley, we get it, but I don’t need an update about *insert fad name for a child* every time they take a shit. Everybody poops. Read the book.

Flowers or edible arrangements are also a good way to show you care. Getting them delivered to your partner’s place of business is a touching gesture……for the recipient. As a receptionist I see tons of deliveries for all personal holidays (birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day) and that’s just one small part of my daily tasks, no biggie. It does become a biggie, however, when you tease me/ give fake sympathy to me for not receiving flowers. I actually am not big on flowers–I have to take care of them like a pet and that’s just too much of a commitment for me right now, and James knows this, but during this time of year especially, it’s a little tough sitting there signing for these lucky bitches knowing full well that I won’t be getting even a damn dandelion.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker..—Willy Wonka, 1971

Chocolate ANYTHING is always a go-to item for this holiday. I mean, it’s like having Pizza Day at schools on Fridays: why fuck up tradition? Today above all days, go ahead and have that secon–ok, third, cupcake at the office party, Brenda. You’ve earned it. That two piece you want to order? You can always get ready for beach season next week when this hoopla has passed.

This can be seen as a Hallmark Card Holiday, a holiday for couples only, the biggest condom sales day of the year, or just another reason to go to Walgreens to buy that bottle of cheap wine to help you get through that rom-com from 1998. It’s cliche as fuck but “love doesn’t need a day, love should be felt all year” and sometimes, even if it squishy sentiment, you have to agree that that is true. Please try to hold back your vomit when using that quote.

Try and treat today like you did in Elementary: we’re all in this together and all that matters is who has the best looking card/ best tasting lollipop. If you were the kid who had the shitty cards or just those abomination to confections everywhere (NECCO hearts), I feel for you, bro, but what matters is that you probably have a bitchin’ personality.




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